He pulled her face in and kissed her, square on the mouth, lips moving like waves. Waves, crashing down on her.
No, and no and no she said, a kid being pulled under the undertow, the frantic feeling of not knowing which way is the sandy bottom and which is the way to a saving breath of oxygen. An expert resister, Lily had spent too much time artfully preventing moments like this to give in. So many kisses that she turned away from, so many boys she’d turned down, so many times she’d said no. She had done so well for so long, she couldn’t let him come in and ruin it so swiftly. But as she tried to pull away, she instead felt herself get pulled under, and like a person drowning, at some point she stopped fighting it, to find that the giving in felt alarmingly, incredibly sweet.
Hands on faces and backs and running through hair, and his softest lips. The realization of so many daydreams that had never planned on being realized. And as she got swept away she was so so so surprised to find that she thought that all of the perfection of resisting was not worth missing this.
These are the moments that we carry around with us forever, caught in invisible jars tied around our necks, under all our clothes, close to our hearts.
to that first moment you realize that you like someone.
It often happens when you least expect it. You just turn and see them laugh a certain way, or they tell you a joke when you are having a bad day. Maybe it’s just a moment where you’re talking and you really look into their eyes for the first…
“Wake up. Get out of bed and stop hiding under the duvet, no matter how warm it is. You will get nothing accomplished. Put some clothes on. Wear the red tights with the mustard yellow shoes. Arrange the 3 day old curls in your hair. Do something nice for yourself today. Get pretty for absolutely no reason other than to prove to yourself that you’re not worthless and sloven. Go to your favorite record store and listen to the old man’s playlist that usually consists of Howlin’ Wolf and strange 60s Middle Eastern music. Buy yourself your favorite garlic and tomato burrito, and make sure you get extra guacamole. Drive past Emily Dickinson’s house and imagine the lack of life she had. Spend the extra money on your favorite art magazine and plan a trip to Sweden in your head. Sing your favorite songs in your car. Make a pit stop to the reservoir. Collect the last leaves from autumn. Watch the sun sink into the horizon. Don’t stare at your phone and wait for it to vibrate. Don’t mope. Don’t think about the only men in your life that have belittled you this week. Don’t sit. Don’t wait. Don’t look at the time that you’ve always set to three hours behind. Don’t delay your life even though someone has attempted to delay yours.”—
“Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I’ve taken for granted.”—Sylvia Plath (via musesofhumanity) (via orientaltiger) (via kimm—)
there are no highways between Maine and Vermont, so the fastest route is on a million back roads. We saw just about every topographic feature and it was beautiful, beautiful. From the lakes of Maine to the mountain valleys of New Hampshire to the sun setting over the Vermont mountains as we neared home, it was one of the most beautiful drives I’ve ever been on. Long, but fun and gorgeous.
“Have you ever defended a way of life you were on the verge of exhausting? Have you ever given service to a creed you no longer utterly believed? Have you ever told a girl you loved here and felt the faint nausea of eroding conviction? I have…What is Doubt? Each of us is like a planet. There’s the crust, which seems eternal. We are confident of who we are. If you ask, we can readily describe our current sate. I know my answers to so many questions as do you. What was your father like? Do you believe in God? Who’s your best friend? What do you want? Your answers are your current topography, seemingly permanent, but deceptively so. Because under that face of easy response, there is another You. And this wordless Being moves just as the instant moves; it presses upward without explanation, fluid, wordless, until the resisting consciousness has no choice but to give way.
It is Doubt (so often experienced as a weakness) that changes things. When a man feels unsteady, when he falters, when hard-worn knowledge evaporates before his eyes, he’s on the verge of growth. The subtle or violent reconciliation of the other person and the inner core often seems at first like a mistake, like you’ve gone the wrong way and you’re lost. But this is just emotional longing for the familiar. Life happens when the tectonic power of your speechless soul breaks through the dead habits of your mind. Doubt is nothing less than an opportunity to reenter the Present.”
I am tearing through books. After meandering through books all summer and only finishing one, since being in Maine, I’ve finished 2 I was part-way done with and am 123 pages into a third I began yesterday.
I’ve also gone on one canoe ride, have almost finished the scarf I began knitting for myself 2 years ago and am learning to crochet by making my friend a scarf. Making things with your hands to keep the people you love warm is magic.